Sad

Today for some reason was really emotional for me. Even tho I worked at my new job today (from 9-4) and it kept me pretty busy for the most part, I kept having moments where I felt like I would cry, thinking about Jarrett. I just have some days where I struggle harder than other days. Today, I really miss my baby :( I am so incredibly excited for the new baby that we will have soon. But, man, I want to hold my son one more time. I kept thinking of the way it felt for him to die in my arms. It was the first time that I could really hold him the way that a mother should hold her baby. I previously could only hold him while he was on a pillow and had to be very still because he was intibated and so I couldnt move or I would pull at the tube down his throat. So that day as he was slowly dying, they took the tube out, so I was able to hold him close to me. As his heartrate was declining, Daniel started to pray to the Lord for strength and at one point he said "..and we ask that you take our son into your arms.." and I kid you not, I literally felt Jarrett lift out of my arms for a second. It was so real that I  had my eyes closed and felt like I wasnt holding him anymore! I opened my eyes and asked Daniel what was that, and he was just staring down at Jarrett wide eyed. He finally told me that right when he said that, Jarretts lifeless body arched upward! He hadnt been moving that whole time! It was such a beautiful moment! But all day today I kept thinking about feeling his warm skin growing cold and his body getting heavier and heavier. *tears* I miss my baby. I miss my son. I miss him!!!!