Mothers Day

11 weeks 6 days

Well, Mothers Day for me was very hard. Jarrett died on the 8th of January, so the 8th of every month has been hard. So the fact that Mothers Day fell on the 8th didnt help things at all. I woke up feeling very depressed. Daniel was already up when I finally woke up, so I just laid in the bed and cried and cried. I was overcome by feelings of grief. I wanted Jarrett in my arms so bad! I knew that this was a day that I should be celebrating the fact that I was a mother. But, the fact that I didnt feel like a mother was hard to overcome. Even though I know that I am a mother, I didnt feel like one because I dont have my son here with me. I know that I am pregnant. I know that I gave birth to a child. I know all that, but man, it was hard. During those moments, I wished with all my heard that Jarrett was right next to me. Daniel came in the room with Bentley and said that they have something for me. I was initially a little upset because I told Daniel that I didnt really want anything for Mothers Day, because I knew that it wouldnt make me feel better. But, I sat up and let him give me a hug. He talked to me and encouraged me. Then he gave me a card from Bentley. It  was the cutest thing ever. It had a dog on the front of it, and said "Thank you for being my playmate, my snuggler, and my 'Mom' " and on the inside, "I am the luckiest dog in the world!" It was signed by his paw print!! Lol. Daniel said that he tried to put mud on Bentleys paw, and then stamp it on the card. But, he said it wouldnt stick so he just traced his paw. It was the cutest thing ever! I loved it. Then he gave me a card from him. It was very, very sweet. I love my husband so much! He truly made Sunday so much easier for me. I said a prayer to the Lord: "I know that this is going to be a hard day for me, but, I know that if I can just rely on you, you will help me through it." And He did. Without the Lord and Daniel, it would have been so much harder for me. At church, all of the Dads handed out roses to their wives (and the other men handed them out to the single moms). You get a rose for each child and when Daniel came over to where I was sitting with two roses, I completely broke down. I can still feel how I felt at that moment right now, and I am crying again. I cant even explain how I felt at the moment. I knew that I would be so much harder for me if I wasnt carrying another baby right now. I love this child so much already, and I am so grateful that in 6 months I will be holding another baby in my arms. Daniel kneeled down and let me cry on his shoulder. I didnt care who saw me, I just bawled my eyes out. Afterwards, Daniel spoke to me softly again, telling me that I am the most wonderful mother in the world. He made me feel so much betther. I am not gonna pretend that the rest of the day was great, but, it did get easier. He took me out to eat becuse I really didnt want to do a whole lot. But, I am glad that the day is finally over and next year I know that it will be so much easier for me.